I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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