Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
