highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
