I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
