I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
