if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
