Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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