Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
