Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize