she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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