I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
