found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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