We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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