i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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