the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
