Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
