My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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