i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
