the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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