i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
