btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
