nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
