I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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