Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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