Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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