there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
