If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
