He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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