the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
