for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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