When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
