Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
