its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
