I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The uberlube is also flammable
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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