Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
