Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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