Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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