just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
