and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
