why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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