So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
