they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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