I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
