So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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