so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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