Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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