If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
