if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
