Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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