I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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