At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
