there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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