Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
