im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
