Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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