That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He shit in the fireplace
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize