I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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