I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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