I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
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