Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
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