I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
