ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
and you fell through a lawn chair
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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